The Earth According to Mark.

When I used to live in Irvine, I would drive to the beach, this area on Orange St. and Pacific Coast Highway. I would venture in the darkness of the sand and stand there looking into the dark void. Moistness from the ocean would slam against my face, and soon a moistness would start rolling down my cheeks. I wrote it off as condensation or the proverbial "sea breeze" but the intent was clear.

I would clench my fists and scream in the face of the Pacific Ocean. And I do this for hours on end. Just walking up and down the beach screaming, like a knight battling a dragon in those fairy tale stories that often litter the kid's section of Borders. And in such instances, I truly felt that there was this ferociousness inside me that would soon dissipate amongst the waves. Unfortunately, such flames are never fulfilling, and I feel this tinge of passivity bite my neck.

Vegas.

They say that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but a part of me died there. Nothing happened in particular, but I feel like it was a turning point for the worst. I lost myself. I lost my passion. I lost direction. Not all in one instant, but in a sort of realization.

Sometimes I wake up, and I feel like I'm in the wrong life. Like this wasn't my destiny or my plan, I just happened upon someone else's and became in engrossed in it like a communicable disease or a contagious virus. It just sort of sneaked up on me and took everything. And I wish I could start-over. And in many ways I might get that chance: I submit my nursing papers this month. And then I wait five long months for a reply that may very well hold the key to everything.

I have a goal. Nursing school. I have a plan. A master's in PA or maybe even pharmacy school. But I don't have the "why." If "why" is the "meaning," I want to find "why." I want the justification for what was and what is, so that I can look forward to the what will be. I know happiness is reality minus expectation, but I can't help but feel full of unfulfilled anticipation.

I'm not aimless. I just want to know why I'm pulling the trigger.